I Metaknow.

You must know that feeling, when you have a certain word in mind? You can see what it means, the vague shape of the syllables drifting from your lips. You try to bring it out, but it sits at the tip of the tongue, grasping firmly to the sides of your mouth, not ready to leave. You know you know the answer. If you heard it, your only thought would be, "I already knew that!" It's one of those frustrating "Oh" moments.

I feel like that a lot lately. Like I know I know where my life is supposed to go, but I can't find it, no matter far to the edges of my brain I probe. It makes me want to scream, "I see it, I see it, but how do I do it!?"

It makes me ask what to do. And I know this is irritating to the people around me, because they tell me. They tell me what to do and I already know that's not right. Moreover, I know I can't search for it that way.

Lately I've been praying. I haven't been praying on my knees, hands clasped and eyes closed, asking forgiveness and strength. I already asked for those. I've been praying for help to pry this knowledge loose from the edge of the brain and the tip of the tongue, and for the motivation to move toward it. If it worked once...

Of course, I could just be pulling all this out from my frustration over FAFSA and getting all the proper things in order for my college application. I hate bureaucracy.