From the Backseat

I've essentially been living with Samia since New Years. It's weird how much more comfortable I feel hanging out here with all of my friends than I do at home. I mean, I've been welcome at other friends' homes before, but I never felt like I was more at home there than anywhere else. Which is equally weird considering I didn't feel at home at home back then either.

It's nice.

Anyway, in spite of that niceness, I had a dream the first or second night I was here. It wasn't an unusual dream. In fact, I have it uncomfortably often. If I could replace it with a dream where I'm flying (which I've had exactly once in my entire life) or making out with someone, or any other activity that I would likely find enjoyable, I absolutely would.

In the dream, I'm riding passenger side in a car. Sometimes I'm in the back, sometimes the front, but always in a position where it would be next to impossible to get to the peddles. During the drive I'm concentrating on something. I'm talking to someone or I'm trying to fix something. Whatever it is, I'm not paying attention to the road or the driver. And then the driver just gets out.

In this particular dream, it was Travis, and he had to go help someone real quick. He said, "I'll be right back, just don't stop the car." I was trying to send someone a text or something, but I didn't realize right away that he'd gotten out of the car. And it was speeding down the road, not swerving or anything. And I looked up and realized, "Oh, hey, I'm gonna run into that traffic light. I should maybe drive." So I reached for the wheel with the instinct to stop the car. But I couldn't. Travis said I couldn't, and even if I wanted to (which I did) I couldn't get to the peddles from where I was sitting.

I turned the car and for the moment, it seemed like I was OK. I wasn't stopped or slowed down. I could've maybe done fine. And then the road made an awkward split and I chose one without thinking. It only took a few seconds to realize the fork ended abruptly in a divide with no room to make even a slight turn around. A parking lot was spread out on the other side; I couldn't see any of it.

Like I said, it varies, but the message is the same. I hate that my subconscious feels that way. Especially since it's pretty much how I feel all the time. I don't need any reminders. Why can't my brain project images of nice things that I want or feel good about instead the things I'm afraid of or don't care about? Stupid brain.